My strong and resilient mum

“I was actually very much a daddy’s girl when I was little,” says Julie, “but over the years my relationship with Mum has grown so much. Now, I know everything about her.”

For Julie, childhood memories of Brenda are filled with fun, family, and food. “When I was growing up, Mum was a cook at my school,” Julie explains. “It was great – it meant that we always had the school holidays off together, which Mum loved. It also made me really popular, because all my classmates would ask to come to our house for dinner. They knew that they’d always get something nice to eat, and that Mum made an amazing sponge pudding.”

In their shared school holidays, Brenda and Julie would make the most of any summer sunshine. “We’d always go down to the beach whenever we could with my dad and my grandfather,” Julie recalls. “I’d spend hours playing games, building sandcastles with Mum, and burying Dad in the sand. We went on holidays to Weymouth, Great Yarmouth and the Isle of Wight. I’m sure children have much more exotic holidays now, but they were really happy times.”

Making memories on family holidays is something that Julie was eager to continue into adulthood. “My husband Neil and I have always loved to travel,” says Julie, “and my parents and Neil’s parents got on so well that the six of us would sometimes go away together. We all went to Las Vegas once – Mum loved that! I was worried about whether Mum would cope with the flight, but she wasn’t bothered at all. She was in awe of everything in Las Vegas and enjoyed being nicknamed ‘Queen Brenda’ by the staff at the hotel.”

Coping with challenges

Everything changed for Brenda when her husband, Julie’s dad, died in 2005. “It was so quick – Dad became unwell and was diagnosed with lung cancer in the February, and then passed away in the March,” says Julie.

As well as having to deal with the emotional impact of losing her life partner, Brenda found that she faced practical difficulties too. “It was really hard for Mum – she married Dad on her 21st birthday, and since then he’d always been the person who took care of the finances and sorted everything,” Julie explains. “Suddenly, in her 60s, Mum had to learn to do it all herself, from arranging her direct debits to paying cheques.

“When Dad was alive he was always the life of the party, and my mum was the quiet one. No one really knew her personality. But she’s been on her own for a long time now, and she’s just got on with everything. She doesn’t dwell on the sadness. She’s shown that she’s so strong and resilient – I’m really proud of her.”

Giving back

In recent years Julie has felt closer to Brenda than ever before. “Treating her makes me happy,” says Julie. “The year my dad passed away I took Mum to Madeira to take her mind off things. We went for afternoon tea in a posh hotel and spent days by the pool. It was lovely to be the one looking after her for a change, and to repay her for everything she did for me growing up.” 

Giving back to Brenda has been Julie’s mission ever since. Aged 87, Brenda now lives in sheltered housing in south London, but Julie makes sure they still enjoy plenty of mother-daughter time.

“Mum’s eyes are deteriorating and she can’t get around very much anymore, so it’s really rewarding to make everything nice for her. I visit as regularly as I can to do the gardening for her.” 

Brenda has benefitted from the Age UK Telephone Friendship Service, which connected her with someone to speak to on quieter days. Brenda now talks to Jasmine, her telephone friend, once a week, and shared her story for Age UK’s Christmas fundraising campaign. Julie couldn’t be more pleased for her.

“Mum’s never done anything like that before,” says Julie, “but she’s so chuffed when I tell her people have seen her picture. I’m so proud of Mum for taking part.”